I’ve come to know, with a feeling of absolute certainty, that dreams reveal how I am doing in the awake state. My dreams for decades showed me how my life was changing, how to make good choices, showed me the future, connected me with people here and passed, but in regard to love and passion, was the same, the same, the same.
From teenage years growing up in the hippie days with free love, I realized that males were feeling entitled to rampant sex, but perhaps unlike other females, eventually I didn’t like being categorized as a body without a thinking, feeling person inside, that wasn’t acknowledged and cared about. So my body and psyche worked together and put on weight so I wasn’t unconsciously vulnerable to handsome, charming boys and young men. In more mature years I now would say, speaking generally, that men are built to desire sex more so that the planet gets populated, while women are more the guiders of love, as everyone person in the population needs love.
Years later I met my husband, a charming and sexy man that I couldn’t resist. It was certainly a connection that was meant to be, I’d say likely from a past life. Yet though it was fun, it was also challenging, and, again, I wasn’t treated the way I deserved. His former wife allowed him to have his son for one year, which was a joy raising him, yet as the year was ending, alcohol became my husband’s life to fight the depression of letting him go, and his demeanor was demeaning to us both.
I went to Al Anon, learned that something in me drew the situation so that I could grow and evolve consciously, and though respectfully and kindly urging him to get help, ultimately I ended up divorcing him and the horrors. I lovingly released the ties that had bound me to him and his behaviors toward me. Though he did love again with another lovely woman, my former husband’s alcoholism eventually was his downfall as he passed, young, of a diseased liver.
I was reunited with a young boy I had known, who was now a young adult and we, too, were drawn to be together. He adored me, yet as time marched on, he became addicted to doctor-prescribed klonopin for panic attacks that became out of control as he became friends with a musical icon and performed on stage. It became challenging for us both to deal with the effects, which lead to more drugs and then alcohol in his life. He amazingly fought off everything over decades, as I coached him empoweringly, from the sidelines, from the heart, as a friend. He is still a dear friend.
I’ve had several male companions since then but my inner space was wary of relationships due to more lessons than joy. Though they were flirty and desired sensuality if I was open, I explained I would be keeping it platonic …(so I wouldn’t be vulnerable then drawn into intimate physical ties and perhaps face more hardships.) I was solidifying that I was desirable enough by the male gender to want to spend time with, and saw these men several times a week. It was great fun and built my value around men. Oh and through the years my dreams were humdrum romantically.
I thoroughly enjoyed being a single and free woman… yet earlier this year I clearly recognized that I was, indeed, ready for love and passion again, not afraid, and willing to give my nurturing and romantic big heart to someone to share and enjoy, with passion. Though not having a current history of how it’s done, I would just have to see what happens and learn as I went.
I’ve met some men now and it has certainly opened me up passionately feeling for them, as friends first based on my now ingrained habit of not wanting to become physically intimate too soon…blah blah blah, you get it now…if we’re not good for each other, having the hardship of pulling away from the excitement of intimate physical bliss.
I’ve been intimately kissed, I’ve been held, I’ve even been told that the weight I’d added to my body doesn’t get in the way of this man wanting to be in a full relationship with me, and if I desire, he will help train me (he’s done that professionally), and my world is changing.
My nighttime dreams are the ultimate revelation of this because for months now there has been a different man in my dreams every evening, loving me, not just desiring my body, but real love and fondness. Treating me with great respect and equality. Good looking men. Sexy men. Even men who I knew in the past that strictly desired me for my body. I clearly am in the role of their romantic partner. These dreams are 180 degrees from the long past, and are my affirmation that the wheels are turning in my passionate favor in my outer life now.
Why even last night I got an actual therapy course by who knows who, speaking to my inner ear in my sleeping dream, as I met a guy who was nice looking and who desired to be fully physical with me, the voice coaching me on why it is okay to be consciously vulnerable with him and ‘go all the way’ sooner than I had set rules for myself previously, though throughout the dream I was being cautious of doing so. In my wakened state I felt spiritually authorized to bend the old rules!
This all coincides with moving my body more and feeding my body somewhat differently now. I am not holding on for dear life to any man, not defined by a man, not demanding how anything turn out with a man. That has been the gift of time and wisdom from the intervening years. It seems I am peeling away the armor and sculpting the goddess of beauty to, draw in good, respectful, sexy men who are passionate to be close to me. Conscious vulnerability is now my key to be free. I am turning the key as I watch myself share more of my tender truth with these men, as a vulnerable soul, realizing we all are, and recognizing who is worthy of my fearful bravery as I walk in honest and soulful beauty.
Sweet, revelatory, breakthrough and therapeutic dreams to you, too. May they be passionate.
Love from Rachel Star of Sedona